Journal 5-5-04 2

5/5/04 - Wed. [Web-Author's note: A few of the dates are repeated and/or out of order here. I have kept them in chronological order as written.]

He he When I’m not sure what the data actually is I sometimes include the day of the week as a confirmation. I would never go back and look and even then I would probably have no idea if the date or day of the week was correct if they were different. I could only tell that I didn’t get it right .

Today I heard from Dan Dollison. I was taken aback because surgery had much more prominent place in what he was saying than what I walked about from the appointment with. When I talked to Rob, he heard the same thing I did, so I did feel better for that reason (meaning I’m not crazy). I got a hold of Dan by phone and was able to talk to him tonight so that was great. I didn’t have to wait for answers. How do I feel? I think I don’t really have time to stop and thing about all of this stuff. I think I need to. Sometimes I think I don’t need to. I think I’ve been focused on the possibilities of not ever needing surgery. I think that’s a good thing . I was so busy doing the stuff that’s not surgery that I didn’t focus at all on the surgery. I actually think that’s ok. Focus feeds energy.

This whole thing about having time to think about things, is stopping me a bit tonight. With the writing I’ve wanted to get down that last few days and realizing there is an awful lot that I want to say. Then today I haven’t really had time to think about it. I’m more just moving on moving on. That’s a big difference from when I was at home and right after the surgery. Then I was consumed by ideas and thinking about things. I’ve been trying to figure out why it was so different. I don’t know if it was me and my focus, being at home with so little else to do, the stress level or what. Maybe just that I Had the time to think about things since I wasn’t really doing anything else? I don’t know. Probably a combination of all of the above. Which way is best? There must be something in the middle. Or less at one end or the other.

Ah the washer just finished. That’s good news. I need some jeans for tomorrow. I’ll be right back. One load in the dryer and the other in the wash. Yippee! Progress!

I just ran into, and downloaded, MIRC software. Boy did that bring back memories. I never used the graphical interface, but the / commands are still in use and I’ve forgotten a lot of them. I did manage to connect for a few minutes and I actually had a miny, if inconsequential, conversation with a couple of people. More than I’ve established in the common rooms in the Yahoo chats. I did really enjoy that. I’m going to see what I think over the next few weeks and maybe I’ll keep it. We shall see.

Right now I am downloading the Windows xp patches for my laptop. That worm thing went around this week and need to protect this computer. The one downstairs is ok. This one needs updates. Just the one section so far is 6mb. It’s so SLLLOOOOWWW this dial up connection. I’m all for paying for satellite, but now I need to figure out I we have enough oa view of e southern sky. I’m afraid we don’t because that’s the direction of the woods. *sigh* I wish there’s a way I could just quickly tell.

Denise turned 50 this just past May 2. I didn’t realize it was a milestone birthday. I haven’t seen her yet, but did remember to call her. Also Alicia, who’s bday is 5/1. I have presents and cards for them both. That was a good me, but they are late. So I am more on the positive side than negatives I’ll take that!

So I notice that I said I needed time to think about how I feel and I haven’t taken the time here to talk about it. Let’s go back to that. I see multiple topics in this one:

Positive versus negative focus: When is it important to energize and focus on the healing and when it is craziness to ignore suggested treatment. Wow. I don’t think I can answer that one fully. To ask the question another way: If I am doing things I believe will heal me and that’s where my focus is - I’m so busy doing that that I forget to be sick and go along the sickly way. Isn’t that part of how reality gets created? But then if I put energy into getting better I am actually confirming that I am sick. Ow! And oh boy. Let’s see….. What’s the sponsoring thought. I want my sponsoring thought to be that I am healthy. I should be more specific so I get what I really want and not end up healthy and dead from something else. I’d like to add on that I live a healthy productive aware and active long life. Afterthought - my sponsoring thought IS that I am healthy and that I am living and doing so will lead me to a healthy long life. There are no wrong answers, right? Right! And if I know that Dr. Loggie will give me the answers I need, than I don’t need to worry because I’ll get the right answer. There is more than one road to Rome . I like that saying. Now I’ve used it twice this month.

I wonder if anyone will ever read my journals? I wonder if anyone would ever find them interesting? Hmmm. Does it really matter. I’m not sure what the point of writing all this is if it isn’t helping me to work things out. I’m just going and going on about all the little things in my life. AAHHH That reminds me:

I had a realization that there is a major contradiction in: shit the thought is gone. That is happening way too much lately. Wow. It’s bothersome sometimes.